


Missing Your Chances

by fallenbubbles



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-20 22:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3667773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenbubbles/pseuds/fallenbubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dan dies in a horrible car accident, Phil is distraught. It was all so sudden, no warnings, just a phone call. Phil learns that he should never miss chances- take risks-  you never know when your time will run out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You know how people say you have to do what feels right when you have the chance? They are right, and I learned that a little too late. I hope you will learn from my mistakes and will live in a way so that you will not have any regrets. This is the story of how I missed the best thing of my life.

\- - - -

I sighed. Dan was late, he said he was going to be back at five, and it was six-thirty! I didn't like being over protective, but an hour and a half was a long time.

'Maybe he's found a girl, and is with her. You have to remember that he has his own life, and that you don't own him, Phil.' Yet again I had to remind myself that I wasn't in control of Dan- no matter how much I loved him. He wouldn't accept it, so I have to leave it alone. Besides, I wouldn't even be able to tell him that I'm bisexual, let alone tell him how much I truly love him.

I looked at my phone. I resisted the urge to call since I didn't want him to get any ideas, but I think that I could just tell him that I was wondering if it was okay if I had dinner without him. I rang his phone; a woman picked it up, "Hello?"

"Oh, uh, hi. Is this Dan's phone?" I asked, the woman not really sounding like she would be with Dan. She sounded so serious and old.

"That is very possible; would you come to the Police Station of 23rd Avenue? I will explain once you're here, just ask for Detective Catherine Jones." My heart rushed and I nodded, and then realized that I was on the phone so she couldn't see me nod.

"Oh, okay. I'll be there in about five minutes." Hanging up, I grabbed my keys and headed for the door as quickly as possible- hoping for the safest solution. He probably lost his phone and they wanted me to pick it up for him. Or he had been robbed, and needed someone to pick him up, but happened to be asleep at the time. Yeah, nothing really bad happened, 'it was all going to be fine' I reassured myself though I knew that wasn't how it worked with the police. They would have called one of the phone's numbers first, and besides, I know Dan has memorized my number, and I've memorized his.

I went outside and saw that there was a thunder-storm. Dan loved those; he would sit outside just to watch them, even if it meant getting soaked. Whenever thunder would strike, he would be found sitting by the window, completely hypnotised by the flashing lights. It was a little weird at first, but I got used to it. We even paused the Doctor Who Christmas Special! I hoped he was okay, so that he could see it, curled up with a cup of cereal with milk and a teaspoon. He really was adorable when he did that, his face lighting up whenever the lightning would strike.

Just another thing I love about him.

I ran to the car and sped off, going as fast as I could without being pulled over. I felt I didn't have a minute to spare. When I got to the station, I went through the door, hurried straight to the front desk and waited for the lady to notice me. She had rectangular glasses and a purple blouse, and seemed to be in her twenties. She looked up and asked in a tone far too happy for a person working in a police station, "What may I help you with, sir?"

"I'm looking for Detective Catherine Jones, she told me over the phone to come." The girl typed wickedly fast whilst looking back at the screen.

When she finished, she looked at me and murmered a bit glumly, "Yes- for Detective Catherine follow me, sir; she said you would be asking after her. We'll be going down to the morgue."

My heart stopped; everything in my world froze. The girl nodded solemly and stood for a moment, waiting for me to get my bearings. I felt numb inside as I followed her, I was just on auto-pilot, both of us were silent as we shuffled into the lift and rode down. I blocked out all thoughts and did what I had to do.

She led me into a cool room, a woman in her early 40s was standing there, next to a dead body that was covered by teal paper. The young receptionist left, leving me alone with the woman, who stuck out her hand and introduced herself. I mirrored her actions, though my voice was just a monotone line of words, unlike hers. I got bits and pieces, but I couldn't really say I was listening. Honestly, the only selection of words I heard was the last three, which sent shivers down my spine. "-identify the body?"

I meekly nodded, though I knew that Dan was under the blue tissue. With all my will, I wished that it would just be a random person I didn't know, and Dan was with a girl, or stuck in traffic. Or even at home in the flat, watching the storm, or playing Guitar Hero. I hoped that he wasn't anywhere near here, but instead a safe place in warmth and comfort.

Detective Catherine lifted the top and folded it over and I saw Dan, a blank expression on his face. There was no gleam in his eyes, no colour in his face, no rise and fall of his chest. But yet, I felt like he was really just sleeping and would wake up and grin. That he was just pulling another one of those horrible pranks on me like he always did.

My eyes widened and I took a step back, feeling a little sick. Then I moved up to him, observing his face. He had several scratches and a large hole on the top of his head. They probably cleaned him up quite a bit, since it would have bled gallons. I grabbed his hand and slid to the ground, the smell of metal overwhelming my senses.

The entire time, Detective Catherine sat by silently, feeling sorry for me. Did I want her pity? No. I wanted to crawl in a hole, cradling Dan in my arms. I wanted to have my best friend-the man I loved, but never got the chance to tell.

Numbly, I flicked my fingers across his eyes, which closed easier than I thought possible. "Goodnight, Dan." I whispered. I regained myself, a single tear falling down my cheek. I wiped it away and stood up, weakly saying to the Detective, "This is Daniel Howell. Also known as 'danisnotonfire' on YouTube. If you need more information, call me. I'll be going now. I hope you have a good day, Detective."


	2. Chapter 2

I wandered over to the lift to leave the morgue and went up. When I got to the top, I stormed straight outside, though I walked straight past the car.

Too many memories.

I turned to the opposite direction of our- no- my flat. I walked without a direction in mind. I felt empty, sick, dizzy, angry, sad, everything was just dull. Usually the colours around me would pop, but right now it was all in black and white. Not even that, it was all just grey.

No one mattered, I realized. I don't matter. Dan doesn't matter. We're all just little specks on this earth. Everything we have done or will do is pointless, and the world will move on no matter what. No one person will ever make a mark on this chunk of rock that floats through space. Everyone is useless, as is everything we do, so why bother?

I looked up; I hadn't realized it was still raining. Pulling up my hood, I walked on.

I took out my phone, a picture of me and Dan in Italy lit up as the cover. I grimaced and scrolled to Dan's mum's number. She needed to know about him. In fact, she was the only person who really needed to know because she could spread the word to the rest of his family. To think that her son had died... it was horrible, so I banished all feelings to the back of my mind and did what I knew I had to do. I dialed the number and put the phone up to my ear, waiting for her to answer.

"Hello, Phil. What a pleasure for you to call! It's been a while; I hope Dan has been taking good care of you!"

"Well, Mrs Howell, I have something horrible to tell you, and I just want to get it out fast. Dan died earlier today, and was found by the police. They believe that a drunk driver hit him." I rushed it all out, in the same monotone that the Detective used. There was a silence, and I waited for her to respond.

"Oh. Okay, Phil. I'll-I'll talk to you later." And with that she hung up.

I sighed, turning around, knowing I would have to face Dan's absence at some point. But why now? Why tonight? Why hadn't I... told him I love him? I sighed, and finally broke. Dan was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. I backed up to the brick wall and slid down. I cried for what may have hours or minutes, though it really didn't matter. I didn't have anyone waiting for me. No one cared for Phil, they all cared about Dan. I was always 'Phil, Dan's best friend,' but I had found ways to come to terms with this, and I didn't mind it. Besides, it gave me a place, people around me, and a purpose. I could be myself around Dan, but I couldn't really say the same about my other friends. I wasn't really me without Dan.

I stood up and returned in the direction I came from, going to the car. I remembered when Dan insisted we played red-light-green-light with the car, stopping at random places in the road. I shook my head and got into the vehicle, memories being my worst enemy.

The ride home was long and the silence deafening. I pulled into our spot, and went up the 17 flights of stairs. I didn't want to be in the lift, though I didn't have an actual reason not to. When I was right in front of the door, and had the key in my hand, I didn't open it. I had no urge to be in there.

I sat in front of the door, and just stared off into space. Who cared what I did? No one did, not really. Dan would care if I sat in front of the flat and he would drag me inside.

Eventually I stepped inside, immediately regretting it. There were memories everywhere. I hadn't really quite realized how close Dan and I had become up until this point- there wasn't a single thing that I could exactly pinpoint as mine. Everything that I owned, Dan owned as well. How could I live here when everything I saw held a different memory of Dan?

I sat on the couch, watching the storm like Dan would've. I think I finally understood what Dan loved about it, it was interesting. The entire world would light up for a millisecond, and then plunge back into darkness, making us pay attention so we didn't miss anything. I watched until the clouds rolled away, until the night sky shone through and the moon was clearly visible.

I found that I had been watching for three hours! It was ten-fifteen, and I had nothing to do. Dan wasn't there, and we'd usually play a videogame or something. I grabbed the controller for the X-box and turned it on. Skyrim was still in from when Dan was playing earlier, so I decided to play it. I'd never really gotten into that kind of game before, but I might as well try it.

I put it on and started a new game, overriding Dan's old one. I actually got into the game quite a bit and at around twelve-thirty I decided to turn it off.

I was hungry and decided to have some cereal. I got a cup and a teaspoon and ate it from those. Maybe I was becoming like Dan, I thought, though it was a possibility. I didn't really see anything wrong with becoming like Dan, I love him a lot. I shrugged and grabbed a Guitar Hero controller. I put in the disk and started it up. I played for a couple of hours, and at around two-forty-five I shut the game down.

After getting ready for bed, I went on my laptop for a while, and decided to sleep in Dan's room. In a way it was a little weird, because not very long ago I wouldn't even go into the house, and then I'm very embracive of all of Dan's possesions.

When I saw a link to one of Dan's videos, I remembered his 'Last Video.' He had made it a while ago for if he died before me, and it was to let all his fans know that he had died and last things he thought they should know. I had been given the job of posting it for him.

I grabbed his computer from the bean bag on the floor and opened it up. I typed in his password and searched through all of his videos when I came to a folder that was titled 'When I die.' I clicked on it and saw several videos, all addressed to people. There was 'to mum & dad,' 'to Danosaurs,' 'to my friends,' 'to whom it may concern,' and finally, 'To Phil.'

I emailed Dan's parents their video and posted the video for the fans without even looking at them. They weren't for me, so I had no reason to watch them. I didn't know who the 'to whom that may concern' could possibly be to, and the one that said 'to my friends' should technically be for me, but I also had an entire video dedicated to me. I decided just to watch the video to me, though I was a little afraid of what it would say. Had he known about my crush on him, but ignored it because he really didn't like me that way? Or had he liked me too, but wasted his time worrying about me not feeling the same. I had no idea which would hurt more; I would hate myself if it was either option.

I pressed play anyway, blocking out my thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

I pressed play, fearing the worst. "Hey Phil! If you're watching this, then I have spontaneously died. I am going to be a little bit quick with this, because I don't really know what to say. Here I go! I want you to know that I look up to you, like the older brother I never had. This is my goodbye to you and you alone, because I love you, and I want to thank you for everything you've done. I never thought I would get so lucky to have a best friend like you, who cares about me and always cheered me up when I was down. Honestly, I always wished you were..." Dan trailed off a bit and coughed, then came back strong with his words. "Were a girl. Then we would fall in love, and live happily ever after." Dan motioned with his arms, like the world would guarantee a happy ending to anyone who looked. Yeah right, not even you got a happy ending, Dan.

"But, you did end up filling in holes I hadn't even realize I had in my life. I found how to truly be happy, with a real friend who will accept me for me, and loves me like a brother... Okay, now I'm just repeating myself. This is really getting sappy, so I'm going to wrap up soon. I also want you to give the videos to the people that they are addressed to. Most of them are pretty obvious, my mum and dad's video, yours, the one you post on my channel and my friends. The one that is addressed 'to whom that may concern' is also for you, but I want you to wait until at least a week after I die before you see it. I don't want everything to be at once, so space out the time that you see the videos. And finally, goodbye. Goodbye Philip Lester, the person I met through YouTube, and the person that I trust most. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't think it was. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. Bye."

I sat there, staring at the screen as Dan's video ended. Dan looked like he was about to cry for the second half, and I found tears running down my cheeks. I searched through the video, look for the part where he said he wished I was a girl. Would he have dated me if I had asked? Yet, Dan was the confident one, and he would be the one to ask, he would never be scared of rejection, he was too strong. Was the complication that he was straight? Or was it that he thought I was straight. I sighed calmly and closed Dan's laptop. He wouldn't like me that way; he was straight-very straight. I wish I had been born a girl just so Dan would have liked me, and I wouldn't have to deal with loathing myself for something I couldn't control. But yet, somehow, I felt like my being a guy was my fault.

I sighed and jumped onto the bed, face up. What would I do for the week that I had to wait for Dan's next video? I was going to respect his request, mostly because it was Dan's final request. But what would I do until then? Just sit around and wait? After that video, I didn't feel as protective of Dan's things and lifestyle as I was just a bit ago. Instead of going to bed like I usually would at around three in the morning, I decided to make a video. It was going to be more of a vlog, since I didn't really feel like editing the video. I took a quick shower and grabbed my camera, thinking about what I would say.

\- - - -

I was going to tell them about Dan's death and make a tribute video. It was all I could really do, since Dan wasn't exactly here to give me inspiration or anything.

"Hello everyone. Today I'm going to have a change from my usual kind of video, because I want to tell you this as soon as possible. I don't really know how to say this, but earlier today, Dan..." I trailed off and looked down for a second. Once he felt I had regained myself, I looked up and said, "Dan died after he was hit by a drunk driver. I... I am making this video to remember him, and also to let you guys know that he will no longer be making YouTube videos- as you can imagine. There will be a link to a video that he made a while back, telling you something that he wanted you to know. I don't know what it is because I didn't watch the video before I posted it, but go ahead and watch it." I flicked some of my scratchy black hair out of my eyes, not really wanting to continue. This would be the part that I would recall memories from things Dan and I had done, and it was a scary thought. I saw a couple of drops fall onto my pajama bottoms, and I looked up, expecting a leak in the roof, but I found none. The droplets were actually coming from my eyes, but I didn't acknowledge them. I didn't care if everyone saw me cry, I had every right to cry. I wouldn't sob or anything like that, just let the tears fall silently. Dan would do the same. But did I want to be like him?

"Dan was a very nice person. He was violent at times, but didn't actually hurt anyone. Ever. He had a positive outlook on life, and he pretty much lived by the term 'whatever will be, will be.' So there were loads of things that he did that I would never have the courage to do. He was fairly smart, he was amazing at piano, and he would like people for who they are. He wasn't that bad in the way of looks, to be honest, and he was very kind. He was... perfect." I whipped away some of my tears.

'Don't sob. Just breath evenly, they understand. Just tell them what you thought...'

"I... I want to be honest with you all. I want to tell you guys the truth; tell you what I was never brave enough to tell Dan... I love Dan. I had a crush on Dan when I met him, and over time as I grew to like him more and more. Eventually I started to love him, and I realized it wasn't as a brother, the way he liked me. I love him as something more, though I knew I could never tell anyone." I turned my face from the camera, but continued to talk. "I don't care what other people think anymore, though. The only thing I regret is that I never told Dan. Even if he had rejected me, it would have been better than this in-between. Not knowing, it truly is the worst thing in the world, no matter what you may think. The worst part is..." I shook my head, not even knowing how tears could ever flow this fast. The little 'ocean children'- as Dan would call them whenever I was down- falling everywhere. "Never mind me. We are here in memory of danisnotonfire. For this, I want something huge to happen. I want you to put in the comments below something that will make everyone's head turn. I want something huge, that will make Dan be remembered for a long while. I will put together a team of YouTubers and we will try to override the system. He will be remembered! I will do everything in my power to make sure of it!"

I kept a serious face, trying not to smile. I was proud of that speech. I don't know what suddenly brought it up, but I liked the idea. We would honour Dan, and we would make him proud if he was watching us from where ever he was. I had a purpose!


	4. Chapter 4

I posted the video, putting a link to Dan's other video in the end credits, the said credits being the only editing I did. I named it "IMPORTANT: Our Revolution,".

I decided to watch Dan's video from YouTube instead of from his computer because then I didn't feel like an intruder of their business, if I watched it from YouTube I would be just another Danosaur seeing one of my favourite YouTubers dead, not my best friend.

I got the video queued up. My hands were shaking due to the nerves so I went into the kitchen to get some tea to calm me down. I checked the clock and saw that it was five twenty-seven. I wasn't tired in the slightest and I was well on my way to an amazing breakthrough where I could feel like I hadn't failed Dan. I decided to make coffee instead of tea and collected together some crisps and Maltesers, wanting energy for the long night ahead.

I didn't want to crash my systems as I was in the middle of this project, though I know I couldn't work on it all night. I feared sitting still for too long without having something to do. I would rather fall apart in front of his computer rather than sit with only my own mind, because I don't know what it would start to think about. I hate having that irrational fear, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't as as strong as Dan, nor will I ever be but I couldn't help it so I had to deal with it.

When I got back to Dan's room I sat down and got situated, starting the video.

"Hello, Danosaurs. Today I have some horrible news- if you are watching this I have died. It would not have been expected or anything like that because if I expected to die I would have made a different video. I want you guys to have a last video because I think you deserve it. I don't want to just disappear!" This sentence made me think of my project rather proudly. "So, I've made this as a goodbye!"

Dan put his hands up like he was happy, but then became very serious. "Now, listen guys, I may be acting all happy and fun in this video, but in real life right now, people will be mourning my death. I don't want you guys offering advice or anything like that, because they will be able to deal with this on their own. You can say you feel sorry for them and the such, but after around a week or so after this video is posted, I don't want any more of you posting anything that mentions me, unless that person says it is okay, okay? Some people like to deal with losses differently than others, and you have to respect that." Dan gave the camera a pointed look like he was talking to a four-year-old, and I let out a small giggle. It was amazing how he could still make me laugh.

"Now that I have passed on, the cult that you were in has dispersed. Don't worry, though! You can always join Phil or something, and I'm sure they will treat you nicely. Though, they probably aren't as crazy as you people, I think you can manage. However, you will always, always be a Danosaur at heart... or, on your keyboard, or something." Dan waved this off like he didn't really care about the difference, and like he wasn't talking about when he was dead, unlike the video that he made for me. However, I did notice something about him that I noticed only because I have known him for years. He was nervous. He was going to tell us all something and he was afraid of how people would react. I was fairly curious about what I could possibly be.

"And now I will tell you one last thing. I don't really know if I should, but... YOLO! Hahaha, I'm just kidding!" I didn't want to wait to find out what he was going say.

"Here I go..." Dan paused for a moment, and I was at the edge of my seat, having no idea what he could possible say. "I like a friend, but he doesn't like me back. When I first met him, I had a crush on him, and over time it grew until I could honestly say that I love him. That man is Phil Lester, but I don't have enough courage to tell him. But, I would rather suffer in silence and still be his friend rather than not have him as a friend and have him know. Call me what you want; I'm dead, so it doesn't matter, but if I were alive and Phil and I started going out, I wouldn't give a damn what you called me. Insult Phil, on the other hand, and your ass will be dead before you know it!" Dan smiled fake-cheerfully; pausing like it was a picture, and then did a jump-cut so he was farther away from the camera.

"With that note I will leave you, and I want you to know this is seriously my last video, and this is my last goodbye. Bye!" Dan suddenly had cat-whiskers and did a hand-heart, freezing the picture until he faded into black and white, and then faded out completely.

I stared at the screen, looking at the person I love, who actually loved me back. I never got to tell him, and he never got to tell me, and neither of us would. I didn't even know what to think. I was shocked.

You know how people say you have to take the chance and do what feels right when you have the chance? They are right, and I learned that a little too late. I hope you will learn from my mistakes, and will live in a way so that you will not have any regrets. That was the story of how I missed the best thing of my life.


	5. Chapter 5

I sighed, stretching out on what used to be Dan's bed. I'd made at least one video every day, filming and editing all in one because I had nothing else to do.

What could I do?

I really didn't feel like going on twitter because I didn't want to see what people thought about Dan's death, or how we had both loved each other but didn't tell anyone. Cooking and such weren't options, because I wasn't really very hungry anymore, and I didn't want to clean the house, because then it would feel like I would be washing away the Dan In it.

Ever since Dan died, (three days ago) I had been working on the project to make Dan remembered. I had an idea, thanks to the YouTuber CheetahPie, also known as Kayla. She was the beta of the team and we had a lot of good YouTubers by our side.

We had Alex, Charlie, PJ, Chris, Carrie and loads others. Everyone was so nice in the memory of Dan, everyone was helping me more than I ever thought they would, and I almost never got any hate about my sexuality. Everything was going a lot better than I thought it would, but there was one thing.

I missed Dan.

I still had four days until I could watch the next video, and I was nervous. In the back of my mind I knew that he would tell me about his secret crush, but I hoped that there would something more-something that would fill in the blanks, though I couldn't explain what it would be.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Kayla messaging me through Facebook, which I was pretty happy about. She was pretty much the only person I really talked to anymore, and I loved how she was always really nice about whether certain things would be okay to post or if I thought they would be offensive. Honestly, she's the only reason I wasn't overworking myself in this project, because I felt I could trust her with part of it. After all, she was the one that had the come up with the idea. I opened the tab to see what she wrote.

"I found some more people to add to the team. Also, I was wondering if you are still up for the live chat today and still want me to come over. -K"

I had forgotten about the live chat, so thank god that she reminded me.

"Yeah, I almost forgot. Thanks for reading my mind and telling me that. I should go buy some food, because my fridge is feeling sad. -P"

"Hahaha, no problem. If it weren't for the fact that I had it on a sticky note by the door, I would have forgotten, too. See you at three. -K"

"See you. -P"

I flicked my fringe out of my eyes and sat up, closing the tabs on my computer. I really needed more food in my house for when she came over, so I needed to go to the store. I should probably make something for dinner because it was going to be a long live chat, and I didn't want to make Kayla go hungry. I grabbed one of Dan's old hoodies and a pair of his old sneakers. I had begun to use his things, though I still used my own clothes, mostly.

I got my keys and drove to the store, grabbing some healthy and junk food. Kayla was a vegetarian so I got salad, some fruits, and lots of sweets. I also got some cake mix, incase Kayla and I got bored. It was weird how close we had gotten over the course of three days, but she was really nice and almost understood what I was going through. She knew I didn't want to talk about it and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do, just letting me recover at my own pace.

After paying and bringing the three bags to my car, I got a phone call. 

It was from the police station.


	6. Chapter 6

I picked up my phone "This is Phil, may I ask who's calling?"

"Phil, this is Detective Catherine Jones, the officer who investigated Daniel Howell's death. I want to inform you that the person that killed Daniel is in jail and will be put on trial; tape from his camera prove, as evidence, that James killed him. I would also like to ask if you wanted the objects that he had on his possesion when he was killed. They include his phone, wallet, his keys and a camera."

Relief flooded through my veins. The person who killed Dan was now officially put to justice, and I didn't have to worry about him killing another innocent person. That was a good thing.

"Yes, I would. I will come by in a minute to pick them up if that's okay." I replied, getting into the car. I was in quite a good mood, and I felt happier than I had in a long while, though not as happy as when Dan was still around.

"Yes, that will be fine. Ask the woman at reception for Daniel Howell's possesions and you can be on your way." The Detective said, though I noticed she still didn't have any emotion is her voice. It was probably a cop thing.

"Okay, thank you-for everything. I'll be there in a second. Bye,"

"Goodbye." She said, and hung up. That was really awkward. I guess that was my fault, I'm prone to causing awkwardness.

I drove the car to 23rd and went in, the same girl from three days ago sitting there.

"Hey!" I said, smiling as I went up-wait WHAT?! I smiled? That wasn't really something I did anymore, especially to strangers. Now I'm just smiling at random people, like I did when Dan was alive.

I dismissed my thoughts when she smiled back at me. "Hey to you, too. You're here for Daniel Howell's objects, right? You were here the other day, right?"

"Yep, my name's Phil." I smiled, flicking my hair out of my eyes, a habit that was similar to Dan's 'inappropriate winking' but wasn't quite as flirty. One thing we definitely had in common was that neither of us could intentionally flirt, but we accidentally did all the time. It was really quite annoying, and gave us quite a bit of hassle, but neither of us could help it.

"I'm Tina; it's very nice to meet you. If you would just follow me, I can take you to the storage room in the back. Daniel's things will be there." She typed while she said this, and when she was done she hopped off, and I noticed that she was very short. Last time I was too busy with to notice, but she was only up to my ribs. How could someone be that tiny? I bet she was made fun of a lot in high school, probably being called tiny Tina.

"Lead the way." I nodded, the familiar setting ripping away the good mood. I wouldn't take it out on Tina, but inside I felt sick. Actually... empty. I had the urge to cry but didn't want to, I wanted to sprint away, but had no motivation to move. I hid these feelings, not wanting to just crawl back into my hole like I did the last time I was here. I was finally getting better.

Tina showed me into a huge room full of boxes, all just full of stuff that the people who had died had with them but their families didn't want. I wouldn't want Dan's things to end up like that, everything that Dan had ever touched was practically sacred, and I was pretty excited about having the last things that Dan had with him while he was alive; Like a little kid on Christmas in a way. Though, that is a pretty gruesome comparison, when you think about it, so I'm never going to use that again.

"Here you go, Phil; a camera, phone, wallet, and keys. Have a nice day." She signalled for me to leave, so I did and made my way back to my car.

I drove home, the drive from the station wasn't nearly as horrible as the last time. It wasn't that long of a way, only a few minutes and when I got home it was almost two-thirty. I had enough time to get ready and clean up a bit before Kayla would get there, if I hurried. As fast as I could I loaded the dishes into the dishwasher, put the groceries away and took a quick shower, doing my hair afterwards. When I was about half way done straightening my hair, someone rang the doorbell, and I set the straightener down to go open the door, knowing that Kayla would be there.

I let her in and she set up her laptop across from mine on the floor while I went to finish my hair. When I was done I saw that she was ready and was doing something on her iPhone.

"Hey," I said, grabbing a peach. She waved and muttered a small hello, engrossed with what she was doing on her cell. "Want a peach or something?"

"Got any Milk Teeth?" She asked, and I grabbed the box, coming back and sitting by my own computer, while handing her the packet. Finally, she closed her phone, beaming. I wondered what she was doing, but didn't ask, since it really wasn't my business.

"You ready?" I asked, and she nodded, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, her red hair coming out from behind her ear in the process. She ignored it and opened the internet tab, logging into YouNow. I did the same, the hopes of being able to get more people in our revolution team rising in my chest. No matter how many people we got, it never felt like we had enough so I was always trying to get people to join, not going as far as to be annoying, though- hopefully.


	7. Chapter 7

We went through two hours of answering questions; most of them were pretty average and nothing all that interesting. It was pretty fun, but I felt like something was missing. 

Dan.

I missed how we used to answer questions about how our relationship was definitely not real and how we were just friends. Wow. We were both lying that whole time! I was so stupid to let the best thing in my life slip by, too. I am such an idiot. I shouldn't have played it safe; I should have risked it so that I could have something that would have made my life literal heaven. But no, I didn't, and I got stuck in literal hell. Idiot.

"Phil?" Kayla said, snapping me from my thoughts. "Are you okay with answering this question, or do you want a different one. I probably shouldn't have picked this one, should have asked you first, to see if it was okay." She was mumbling to herself now so I quickly glanced at the question. 'Phil, when will the revolution be over? When will you feel that Dan has made a big enough mark that you could finally leave it alone?'. It wasn't that bad, I could try to answer it, despite really not knowing the answer.

"It's fine, Kayla. I just zoned out for a second." I turned back to the webcam, plastering on a small fake smile. "I actually don't know when I will stop working on the revolution, but I hope that it will last longer than I will. Who knows, maybe we might actually make a small mark on this earth, if all of us 'little people' work together to create one 'larger figure' we can create the picture that we want everyone to see of us, showing people the way we do things. We can show that we aren't just mindless kids that can't make a difference, and remind the world that we will be in power one day. Show them that we can handle it, and won't just become copies of them. That we won't mess it up." I did a quick hair flip, barely noticing, and then continued, "Though, I don't know how much of a mark we can make, since we only have the internet, but it'll be pretty large if we get enough people."

The comments section on the right side had loads of things that were saying: 'Wow, nice speech.' 'So inspirational.' 'I loved it.' I scrolled past those, looking for an actual question. I found one that said, 'I loved your hair flip, can you do it again?' I read it out loud, half-laughing while I did so. I put my hair into my eyes, and then flipped it, while Kayla cracked up.

We were both laughing and I saw that five more minutes were added just for me doing that. We could do this all day with these awesome fans.

"Okay, now you guy should send us some more actual questions. We can't just watch Phil flip his hair all day." Kayla said, slightly out of breath from laughing so hard.

I was lying on the floor, and I just read the next question without checking what it was before I looked. "Hey Phil, where is Dan?" I adjusted my glasses, and said calmly, "Well, since you've clearly haven't been alive for like, all these three days of my video spree, in which I've made a total of 5 videos, Dan is up in heaven because God decided that he gave away too much awesomeness when he put both Dan and I here. So he took him back!" I smiled, and Kayla looked at me, beaming. I guess I wasn't as deeply burrowed into myself as before. It was time to tell them that the person who hit Dan was in jail.

"Good news, on this subject. The person who hit Dan was arrested, though I don't know who it was, the police do." I said, still not fully sitting up. I was moving my head around randomly while I said this, and when I was done, I flicked my hair out of my eyes out of habit.

"Seriously? Can't you go two seconds without flipping your hair?" Kayla says, throwing a pillow at me, which caused me to fall.

"I didn't mean to! It just happens!" I whined, sticking my tongue out.

"That was she said!"

Once we were done laughing again, I looked up to find another question, and it went on like that until it was time for us to get off of YouNow and eat dinner so Kayla could go home. That night I actually slept for more than three hours, falling asleep at around eleven. I woke at around eleven, too, so I think I got pretty stocked up on the sleep that I had missed. The next day went by pretty normally- I made yet another video for The Revolution, and the three days after that went the same. I made a total of four videos. Not bad if you asked me.

 

It had been one week since Dan had died, and I was finally allowed to watch the other video that Dan had made me. I was near tears with excitement.

The past week had been awful. I couldn't count how many times I had walked into rooms expecting to have a conversation with Dan to be met with empty chairs. Nothing could compare to the grief I felt when that happened. Inescapable pain surrounded me wherever I went. Dan dying was like a bullet to the chest but the period of time after, the adjustment, it's like a bad infection that you can't fight off. Torture.

As soon as I woke I grabbed Dan's laptop, not even bothering to get out of bed as it had strategically been placed close enough for me to grab for this moment. I logged on and found the folder labelled 'When I die.' I clicked on it, going to the 'to whom it may concern' video. I waited for it to load, everything going too slow. I had been waiting for this all week, and now as I sat here butterflies ate away at my stomach. Finally, it started, I stared at it intently. There was Dan in a park wearing his red hoodie and black skinny jeans. He was sitting on a tire swing, and it must have been the middle of the day while school was in, because there weren't any children around.

"Hey Phil. It has been about a week since I have died, I believe, and I have a feeling you've seen the video that I've made for the Danosaurs. Well, this video is pretty much me telling you what I told them. It wasn't all a scam, or anything like that, and if you haven't seen that video then I am going to tell you what I said in it. I pretty much said that I am in love with you and that when I first met you I had a crush on you, but over time it grew. I don't know whether you feel the same, but I really wanted to be honest. I actually spent days working on this one video, trying to say it right, but there's no way for me to do it. No matter how hard I try I can't say this so that it feels like you would like it and understand how I'm feeling without being creeped out... but this will have to do. I want to tell you that I have a video diary with pretty much every secret that I have ever kept from you, and that is in a password-protected folder, the password being cheese. Don't give me that look! Would you ever have been able to guess that? I didn't think so." He laughed, shaking his head, and then got serious. "But I'm sorry if you hate me for liking you. Or if you like me back, but we were both too scared to tell. If you don't like the idea of me liking you, then you probably won't like the video diaries, so... sorry about that." Dan looked a little sad and he looked down, messing with his fingers. 

I wanted to reach out and tell him that there was nothing to worry about, and that I loved him too. I wanted to ruffle him hair and cradle his head in my arms, apologizing that I hadn't told him. The thought that Dan feared that I could hate him physically hurt; I just needed to hold him and reassure him that everything would be okay. But he wasn't alive any more and I had to deal with that. I officially hate the bloke who hit him!


	8. Chapter 8

Dan sighed, still in the middle of his video. He was really nervous, and also a bit sad which was only obvious by the way he looked down to hide his shining eyes. "I really am sorry, though. Please don't hate me!" He shook his head, trying to get those thoughts out of his head. I wish I could yell through the screen how much I love him right now and how I always have. I could never hate him. It's a shame that it took him dying for me to be able to admit that to anyone.

"Also, I want you to know about some of my possessions. I told my parents about the things that relate to them, but here's the stuff that you get: my laptop, my camera, my bed, and my clothes and shoes and... -also my amber lamp, all my video games and... pretty much everything that my mum and dad don't get. Anything you want, it's yours- why change how our system works now just because of the little changes in life right? Anyway, my parents need to be given the box in the back of my closet that has letter for them somewhere nearby. Oh, and a drawing on my window that I made of them when I was younger. Please don't forget to do that. Next, I want you to know that I broke your straightener a few months ago, and ended up buying one exactly like it, and I just thought that you should know..." He laughed to himself as if he just told the funniest joke before calming down and awkwardly looking around himself as if he'd done something terrible. The shot froze for a few seconds before he was back in a change of clothes and a flipped fringe- probably to show that it was another day. He was still in the park but the weather had drastically changed from the dull clouds to bright sun. How ironic.

"It was about to start raining yesterday, so I cut the video short, if you were wondering." Dan pointed up into the air and laughed clearly in a pretty good mood. "I also wanted to tell you that I got a lion for you; it's also in the back of my closet on the right side. It's a little small, but I wanted it to be special because it's like, the last thing you'll even get from me ever... Yeah. Bye." 

The video ended there and I smiled, going into his closet looked through his clothes until, sure enough, there was a small lion about the size of my other lion. However, this one had his mane dyed black, and had a little friend next to him. The other one had a brown mane, the same colour as Dan's hair. I was absolutely in love with them, and was quickly in tears without even realising. I wasn't sure it was from the love of the Dan and lions or the sorrow that these two stuffed animals brought. It was amazing how a person could make a bigger mark after they've died than when they were alive.

After a while of playing with the little lions and sobbing, I finally went to go get breakfast. I got ready for the day by showering, brushing my teeth and changing my clothes (Dan's llama hat with non-matching-fun-socks). I remembered how Dan would always eat before he would brush his teeth, and it bugged him how I did the opposite. I couldn't help but smile through my sadness.

I decided to look through some comments on my recent videos to try and cheer myself up. The top comment read 'your smiles are just as sad as your tears'.


	9. Chapter 9

I started eating my bowl of cereal and used up the last of my milk. 

I guess I had to go to the store. Maybe I could start cooking a bit again. I had gotten quite into cooking while Dan was still alive, but I hadn't done anything other than make cereal since he had died. Maybe I could take lessons! Then, maybe I would be able to have some kind of human interaction other than on the internet and talking to Kayla. I did Skype Chris and PJ occasionally, but since they live so far away now they haven't had a chance to visit in this long week, but wanted to visit as soon as they could.

I was pulled from wandering thoughts by the doorbell ringing. Who would be visiting me? I wasn't expecting Kayla, and I didn't know other people who would visit. Naturally, I went to go open the door, and I saw Kayla there, a huge grin on her face, which faltered when she saw my eyes red from crying and the two lions in my arms. She regained herself and said proudly, "Guess who I found?"

I blinked, a bit confused, but questioned, "Who?"

She replied to this by stepping to the side and showed someone very familiar.

It was my older brother, Martyn! Immediately I stepped forward and hugged him, my horribly emotional state making me want to cry happy tears, and I guess my eyes found a new watering hole, because a few little ocean children escaped. I quickly wiped them away, turning around in hopes that they wouldn't see how broken I really was. I was usually prepared for these things. Usually the smallest surprise made me break down, so I was glad that I wasn't sobbing. Lucky break I guess.

"Co-come in. It's a little bit of a mess, but go ahead and make yourselves at home." I stuttered. "Anyone want any tea? I'll be making some anyways," I heard my voice crack at the end and I awkwardly shuffled to the kitchen, the other two following. I bit my lip and told myself to suck it up and stop being such a baby yet tears still steadily streamed down my face, though I repeated what I did in the video I made after Dan had died, let them go while keeping a steady breath. I was careful when I was making the tea to not let any tears fall into the pot and I let it boil, trying to keep my back to them for as long as possible.

Martyn, knowing me too well, could tell what I was doing. "You can't keep your back turned on us for forever. You know that." Something about this made my blood boil. I practically became another person. No. I did become another person.

"Do I?! Do I know anything? Not too long ago I knew that Dan would live until he was old. Now I don't know anything for sure! Sow who are you to tell me otherwise?" The beast that was yelling at my brother, with my voice, had completely taken over my being. He picked up a coffee cup and threw it at Martyn, though his aim was off, like mine would be. It hit the wall with a loud clatter and I stormed out of the room, happy to have a hoodie and shoes on.

I went down the stairs and stepped outside. It was raining, just my luck. Why had Martyn come over just when things were getting better? Why couldn't people learn to stay away?

An entirely new wave of rage washed over me when I realized that it was Kayla that brought him here. The person that I trusted to not interfere, or try to push me in a direction that I didn't want to go. Martyn would tell me to stop being a baby and to stand tall. He did that when I was in school and was being bullied, not realizing that he had put me one step closer to suicide. I was just too much of a coward. I still am that coward, at one point I had a friend who made my life less depressing. Now I was back to rock bottom, and didn't have anything that I could do about it. I dug my nails into my palm, not even noticing the blood that stained my sleeve as I raised my arm and hit the wall of the apartment building. The one I had shared with Dan. The one where I had last seen Dan alive, where I had watched Dan walk out the door, both of us unknowing that it would be the last time.

After aimlessly wandering the familiar streets of London I finally decided to go back to the flat, hoping that the two would be gone. I wasn't in the mood to deal with those two. I wouldn't, I refused. I could see if they were still there, and if they were I could leave again, or make them leave. I wasn't going to take their 'help'. I wasn't going listen to what I was doing wrong. I wouldn't let them make it worse.

When I was at the door, I put my ear to it wanting to be prepared if they were there. At first it was silent, but then I heard Martyn say, "What will I do with the idiot? He's always causing problems!" It wasn't necessarily loud, and it was definitely laced with worry, but the words were like a punch in the gut. I knew that he wouldn't actually be very sympathetic, but I didn't know he would let anyone other than himself know.

I slammed the door open, my face red with anger. The other two immediately were next to me, but I just shook my head when they asked all the questions that you would expect. Where were you? Are you okay? What's wrong? I brushed all the questions off, quickly going to my room. I would wait there for them to leave, not matter how long it takes.


	10. Chapter 10

I locked myself in my room, grabbing headphones and putting them on. I was going to watch Dan's video diaries and I wasn't going to be interrupted for my life. Volume on full, I saw Dan's face pop up on the screen, I hailed him and his beauty not taking my eyes off the screen. 

It was labelled from the week of April 24th-May 1st, 2011. It wasn't too long after we had met, and he was in a park, but not the one near where we live. It must have been from his parent's house or university because we hadn't been living together at this point. "Hello! This is my first video diary. Yay me!" He put his arms up into the air, not a care in the world. Then he looked down, seeming a little shy.

"Okay, so first off, I want to say that I have a crush on one of my friends. I don't know when this really started, but it just sorta... happened. We were chatting on Skype, and he told me that my hair looks nice. I guess that's when. I bet that it meant nothing to him though. What happened was, well, I was telling him what I'd done that day, and that I was pretty much just getting a haircut. He said that I'd look pretty with any haircut and I blushed redder than a tomato, but my camera isn't very good, so luckily he didn't notice. I don't know what I would have done if he had. I'm one-hundred-percent sure that he would never talk to me again, because he is straight. I don't have a chance in this lifetime." He looked down, a blush creeping its way across his tanned skin. It broke my heart to see this, and I wish that I could have done something to tell him. But no, we both tried our best to hide it, and apparently it worked, because neither of us had any idea.

"I've promised myself that I won't tell him. It wouldn't help anything and no matter what I think, I would much rather be friends with him without him knowing about... this than him hating me with him knowing everything. Though, it is probably just a stupid phase, and it'll pass just like parents always say- though I can't help but dream..." He trailed off, then face-palmed. "That was such a sappy, cliché thing to say. I cannot believe that came out of my mouth. That was... I'm just going to walk away before I make more of a fool of myself." The video jumped to the same place, but with small changes, like the pattern the leaves were in and small things that you would only notice if a scene change like the one that had just happened were to occur.

"I video-chatted with Phil earlier, and also Chris. Nothing really big happened between me and Phil, other than how he blushed when I said he was beautiful, but it wasn't really like that. I really meant it, but I hid it behind a joking tone, which was something that I had to do because I don't want him to know that I'm bi. He was only blushing because he's shy and doesn't really get those kinds of compliments from random people all that often. But a boy can hope, right? I did find out that Chris's mum had surgery, and it went well. It wasn't life-threatening to start with though so all is good."

It went like this for hours and hours worth of worth of videos. I watched them all. All the way to the ones from a couple of weeks ago. It had almost every detail from what Dan and I had done over the time that we had known each other, and every little detail he would act like it was nothing, but was really huge. A lot of the things that he pointed out he had never acted like he cared. I had no idea how similar we were in that way, brushing things off like they were nothing but really they meant the world to us. I can't believe how much I had missed. 

The video from two weeks ago was the one that stood out to me the most.

"I was with Phil in the flat today. I was playing Skyrim, and he was apparently talking to me, but I hadn't noticed. He tackled me in a hug and knock me over, and we noticed how close we were-like we almost kissed. I wanted to kiss him so badly, though, but instead I did what I was supposed to do. Afterwards, I noticed that he seemed... disappointed. I could tell he was trying hard to hide it, so I ignored it, not wanting to embarrass him, but I think... he likes me back. It may just be my imagining it, but I'm going to do some small things and see if he reacts. If they work out, then I will tell him about how I feel. I hope that they will work out, because it's my dream to be with Phil. To be something that it more than just friends. It kills me to be so close to him, to be there for every second of the day with him, yet he isn't mine. Any day he could come home with a girl, and he would be hers, stolen right from under me. The though physically hurts me. It's sort of like being really hungry and the food cooking so that you can smell it, but you can't eat it yet. The time to eat him doesn't really ever come... Okay, I suck at metaphors. But, back to the... test? Experiments? If I find that Phil likes me back, than I will the happiest boy in the universe, and never again would I feel depressed about my stupid situation that I'm pretty sure I got myself into. Though, I may be getting ahead of myself." He shook his head sadly and decided that that had been enough talking for that day, the scene changing to him alone in his room. I guess I wasn't home at the time of him filming this.

"First test complete. It took me one step closer to me telling him how I feel, and you may be asking what the stupid test is. It was a small thing, and very simple - who would pull away first in a hug. I just gave him a hug in the hall as if I hadn't seen him in ages, and I held him until either I thought he had fallen asleep or he would pull away. Seventeen seconds! Like, ten seconds would be a lot, but seventeen! Either he likes me, or he really needed a hug because that was literally the longest hug I had ever had. And it was amazing and I never wanted to let go. I did, after a while, but I didn't want to. I think that if the next two tests go well, I will definitely move the date of which I tell him back. For now, though, the best I can do is hope."

The next two entries were all about things that I remembered perfectly. How Dan would actually try to nicely help me during certain video games, and how he would offer to make tea, and call me these cute little nick-names. They weren't monstrously huge things, but things you would notice if you had a crush on a person, which I did, and I did notice. The last entry was four day before Dan had died, and also five days until he was going to tell me that he loved me. I was a bit panicked when there wasn't the next video, but then my eyes fell upon Dan's camera, next to his wallet and phone, his key on the rack by the door. I eagerly grabbed it, trying to turn it on. To my luck it was dead but I took the SD card out and plugged it into the computer, waiting for it to recognise. After a few seconds, the options file popped up and I clicked on Play All Files, ready to delve back into the videos to see what else Dan had recorded in the week leading up to his death. I checked the clock while waiting for it to start up and saw that I had spent all day doing this, starting at around nine in the morning, and the time was now eight-sixteen. I wondered if Kayla and Martyn were still there in the living room.

The video began and I immediately turned my attention to it. Dan started the camera, going back to sit on the swing. Once he was situated and comfy, he pulled a rose out of his pocket, examining it. I hadn't seen it before in the flat or anything, but as soon as he started talking the only thing that I was thinking about was him. "I'm going to be blunt about this; I don't think Phil really likes me. I was out in town with him, and there was a waitress who was flirting with him. She wasn't very discreet about it and had been flirting with me before him but when I was unresponsive she moved on to trying to flirt with Phil. He was very kind in his responses, and I don't think he really realised that it seemed like he was flirting. Natural habit I guess. He's definitely straight. I've decided to pull back on my plans because they're rather stupid and completely going against the promise I made in the first video diary. I am not going to ruin what Phil and I have built up; there would be no way for me to deal with it if I do."

I stared at the screen as Dan shut down the camera, the next day's diary starting up. I paused the video and shook my head in pure shock. If I had noticed how Dan was flirting with me, then maybe I wouldn't have been so nice to the waitress-even though he was right. I didn't realize either of them were flirting with me. I'm such a stupid person! I can't believe I could let my chances slip away so easily without even noticing that they were there. I wish I could have done something, but I had missed my chances.


	11. Chapter 11

I was beyond furious with myself, practically throwing the laptop off of my legs. I needed a way to vent but didn't have any plans when I stormed out of the room. Martyn and Kayla were together on the couch cuddling like a couple who had known each other for years, both of them asleep. Brilliant. My brother and pretty much my only other friend had fallen for each other. They hadn't had anything standing in their way, like gender or anything like that. They were lucky, and I was jealous. If you mix jealousy and anger, I'm pretty sure you can figure out that the outcome isn't good.

"I want you two out of my house!" I roared, glaring at the people who were now scrambling off of the couch. Kayla looked quite scared, never having heard me yell. I knew it was wrong, but I enjoyed seeing her fear, and would love to see her flee. I banished those thoughts to the back of my mind, scaring me. Martyn stood up, anger flashing in his eyes, though he didn't scare me in the slightest. I could fall from the window and I still would only feel this blinding anger laced with nostalgia and jealousy.

"You will not talk to her like that. I don't know what has gotten into you, Phil, but this needs to stop." I gave him a look that said 'you really just asked that' while they gathered their jackets and shoes. He raked a hand through his hair, knowing his mistake. I wonder if he ever realized the mistakes that he made back in high school that already caused me to have these cold feelings.

"I'm sorry, but please leave. I'd like to be alone." I locked eyes with him, putting all of the coldness and hatred I could muster into the look. He shook his head, sitting down on the couch. From just his posture you could he was extremely stressed, but I didn't care. He shouldn't even be here so he didn't have any reason to be stressed and looking for sympathy from me of all people.

"Kayla, love, can you go back to the hotel? I think I need to explain some things to Phil," I stared off into space as Martyn said this; Kayla silently grabbed her things, moving as quickly as she could. I froze, Martyn's words coming together in my head. She was with Martyn-like, with with. I should have guessed no random girl could have weaselled her way into my life and have not been connected to me in a way other than YouTube; they wouldn't have been able to understand.

As soon as Kayla left I looked at him, my expression completely blank. I was tired of having to put up with this and didn't want to have to take it any more but didn't say anything. I looked at Martin, him shifting uncomfortably under the weight of my eyes. Looking at the ground, he sighed, muttering two words that would've helped him if he had done it a while ago, but it was too late for them. He couldn't regain any of my respect, nor my forgiveness.

The 'I'm sorry' that he muttered didn't mean anything to me, but I wanted to know if he knew everything that he had done wrong, both when we were younger and today. Did he ever realise how stupid he could act?

"For what?" He faltered at this, but I still kept a steady stare on him, not taking my eyes off of him once.

"For everything. For yelling at you and being so hard on you when you're going through a hard time like this. For sending Kayla to look after you when I was too afraid to come check up on you myself. For... for not being there." He stared at the ground, ashamed. It was time to tell him why I was really mad.

"Sorry, wrong answer. No prize for you! That may be part of the reason that I'm mad at you, and certainly is the reason that I exploded like that, but it isn't correct. The reason that I am mad goes way back, all the way into high school. You told me something that I still haven't forgotten, and it took me one step further into depression. Over time I found one thing that made it so that I was okay with myself, and that I wasn't a piece of crap that shouldn't be alive. That one thing was called a friend-my best friend. Now, I don't have that mental crutch, and I don't have any way to deal with my problems. Along with that, I have buckets of stress that has suddenly just been dumped on me, along with the old wounds that have just been reopened. You are being more of a nuisance than a help right now, Martyn, and I don't know what to do with you. I know I shouldn't just kick you and Kayla out and never talk to you again, like I really want to, but I don't know how to deal with you. I don't know what to do any more!"

Martin looked near tears, but held them in, sighing to himself. "I hoped that you had forgotten about that. I hoped that it wasn't as horrible as I remembered it to be, and that it wouldn't affect you as much as I thought it would, but I was wrong. The world did manage to get under your skin, and I did manage to hurt you, but I am sorry, Phil. I wish I could take it all back, and heal all of the scars that I left. I wish I hadn't been so stupid."

I snorted, rolling my eyes. Really? He thought he could fix it with just a few words? It may have started with just a few words, but it certainly is going to take a lot more to fix it. Did he even know what I had almost done the night after? How close I had come to ending my own life? To be honest, I kind of wish I had. Then I wouldn't have caused Dan so much pain, nor have had to go through so myself.

"You can't, though. You can't heal the scars. You can't take it back. The damage it done and you can't fix it. You are just too late, and there isn't any need for you to even try any more, so why don't you and Kayla just go back home? Can't you just pack up your thing and act like none of this ever even happened? Just pretend that you hadn't even interfered. It would be a lot easier for everyone that way."

Martyn looked at me with glistening eyes, but I still showed him the door. Some small part of me said that this wasn't the way I should deal with these problems, but I completely ignored it. As soon as I knew that he was gone, I broke down and cried myself to sleep, right in the middle of the floor, in full clothing. For the first time in a long time I dreamt about the time I almost committed suicide-or, the events leading up to it.


	12. Chapter 12

I was back in high school, pretending that the way the other kids would call me names and such wasn't bothering me. Who was I kidding? All I wanted was for them to leave me alone, but no, I still was their number one target-the only thing that I would ever be first in, as they often reminded me. I was hoping to find safety in the library, but to no avail. Cassie was there, gossiping with Claire and Anna. I knew that at heart Cassie really wasn't a bad person-no one really is-but she loved to try and prove me wrong.

"Hey look! It's Phil. Have you gotten over your crush on Dylan, or are you still obsessed with him?" Claire called, making sure that I could hear. I grabbed a random book, moving straight into the back of the library. I sat there, buried in the torn pages, but it wasn't good in the slightest. The name was fuzzy, I knew it was horrible. I sighed, eventually finding the courage to put the book back on its spot on the shelf and walk out the door. I ignored the names that were being called, silently hoping that the librarian would take notice. When I was almost out the door, I nearly fell back because Dylan had yanked back on my collar. I stumbled, but found a way to regain my footing before I made an even bigger fool of myself. I had never actually been beaten up by them, but words really could hurt, especially with my frail mind-set. This time, though, I could tell that it would be different. This time he would take it a step further, and I wasn't going to like it.

The scene changed and I was sitting on my bed, my brother was leaning on the door frame, a scowl written across his face. I knew that his girlfriend would be here any minute, and I would have to stay in my room while she met our parents. My mum and dad didn't really care if I met her-it made no difference to them-but my brother wanted to make sure I understood why I couldn't be down there. He didn't want his girlfriend to meet his 'little emo brother, who moans about the smallest little thing.'

"When Kayla comes, I want you to be up here, okay?"

"Why?" This was the one question that caused all of this. I wish I had never asked.

"Because I don't want you to scare her off with your emo-wanna-be getup. And I most certainly don't want to her to hear about how much of a loser my little brother is. Then she would definitely leave me, and I would choose her over you any day." His cold stare landed on me, and I silently nodded, not showing him how much it hurt. He hadn't cared about my black eye or anything like that, he just want to make sure I knew not to mess with his relationship.

Once Kayla was here, I hid in my room, looking at a blade that I had taken off of an old pencil sharpener. I held it up to my wrist, not having a goal to hurt myself, but to kill myself. I knew that I deserved it all-after all, who could love this fat, ugly, emo little boy? No one could possibly find anything special I me, and I don't really think that there is anything there worth noticing-there is nothing worth noticing. I was plain, and I deserved to die. Those were my last thoughts before I finally let the blade cut into my skin.

\- - - - -

I woke up in a cold sweat, shivering. I remembered that night perfectly well, and occasionally it would pop up in my dreams, but it hadn't been this vivid in a while. It was probably caused my Martin and Kayla coming to visit, which I realized that it was probably the same Kayla from seven years ago. I guess he hadn't really changed, since that was my first time meeting her.

Finding that I was still on the floor in the middle of the flat, I got up and went into my room-not Dan's room. The bed was still made and everything in there because I had barely been in here since Dan's death. I shed down into my pyjamas and climbed into the cold bed, just sitting there to think about what I was going to do. What could I do? I had pretty much no one on my side, no one to lean on. No one to help, and no one to help me. I couldn't remember being so alone, but I guess I had to have been at one point. Maybe because I was comparing it to when I was at the top of the world. When I was invincible. Or possibly because I had already lost something and these were just problems piling on top of each other. Either way, I know that I was at rock bottom, and the only way to fix that is to get back up. Or, you could say that I had to put more time into the revolution, because that is pretty much the only thing I live for now.

In the morning, of course.


	13. Chapter 13

I watched the rain clouds flying through the sky much faster than my tired brain was processing the day. I hadn't slept at all last night after my dream, not on the floor, my bed or Dan's. No matter what, I couldn't stop the horrible things that were in my head terrorising me all throughout the night. Eventually, I gave up on sleep and just sat by the window, trying to get my priorities sorted and what I needed to think through thought through. To no avail, I found, as I finally left my spot by the window. I had watched the sunrise, and the clouds come to water the city of London. I watched all the people scurry away to seek refuge from the pounding droplets, and saw the number of people who probably wanted to have just a fun time run to their homes, afraid of a little water. It's weird how people will pay money to have it, yet once it falls from the sky, free, they run.

I got up and walked around, not really wanting to do anything. After hours of just sitting around, wandering in and out of room, I finally decided to call Martin. I knew that I had to, but I really didn't want to have to face him. I had no idea how it would go, but I hoped he would forgive me. I was willing to forgive him, because I knew he was sorry, and I knew I needed someone other than myself in my life, unless I wanted to go completely insane.

Grabbing my phone, I dialled his number, listening to the rings drone on. What if he didn't want to answer? What if he wouldn't want to see me again after the way I treated him? I pushed those thoughts away, focusing on the long tones that signalled that his phone was ringing. After about the third ring, he picked up, and I let the breath that I was holding out. I bit my lip as he said my name, not really sure if it was me calling. "Phil, is that you calling?"

"Yeah Martyn, it's me." I replied, my voice hoarse. I swallowed, extremely nervous. I had no idea what could possibly happen, and neither did he, I'm guessing. "Listen... I'm really sorry about how I acted yesterday, and-"

"Phil, don't be sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way from the beginning, and I'm sorry." my brother replied, I was once again in tears. I could tell that it wasn't just my unstable mind that made this emotional, because he had to clear his throat to talk and his voice was scratchy.

"I've missed you, Phil." I felt so warm inside, and I felt like I finally wasn't missing something. Even when Dan was here I didn't feel that way. I wiped away some tears, a smile forming on my face. I had my older brother back! After a couple of seconds of silence, I asked him a question that was bugging me just a bit.

"Are you with the same Kayla, or is it a different girl?" I hoped he didn't take it the wrong way, because I honestly didn't care who it was. I had never met the girl before, so it really doesn't make that much of a difference to me.

"The same girl." His voice had a slight edge of nervousness, but I wanted him to know that it didn't make a difference to me.

"Cool. Maybe we could all hang out at some point in the near future? Like, go to Shake-Away or something?"

I could practically hear his relief, and I smiled to myself. We had our brotherly bond back! That was one of the best things that could ever exist in life. You can't quite understand it if you don't have any siblings, but if you do have a brother or sister you can understand that even though you fight and act like you guys are worst enemies, you really love each other. It isn't the same without them. In a way it is kind of like that with people, too. Before I met Dan, I guess I could have lived without him, but now that I have met him and lived with him for a while, it is going to be rough-it had been pretty rough so far. But everything will work out. Though I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone the way I loved Dan, I know that there is a way to carry on. There always is.

"Sure! I would love to do that, and I'm pretty sure that Kayla would like that, too. Maybe later today we could go and get some coffee or something. Catch up a bit, maybe?" I smiled, amazed at how well this was going. Finally something going right!

"I'd love to! How about we meet up at around two, so that way we have time to get ready and stuff."

"Yeah, that'd be great! See you at Starbucks then, okay?"

"Okay. See you then. Love you, bye."

"Love you too, man. Bye." I smirked. No matter how emotional of a moment we could have, he would always try to have some of the tough-guy image. I've actually given up on that, between the amount that I have cried this week, my raspberry body wash, and my hair straightener. I know that I'm not necessarily all that 'girly', but I'm not afraid to have an emotional moment where I tell my older brother I love him-especially after the super-massive fight that we had. It is a little bit weird how different we are.

After we hung up, I went and took a shower, taking my time in there, making sure to wash away all of the grime that came with my depression. I felt so free now, everything seeming so much brighter. I could take on the world!


End file.
